Touching the Woman's Heart

No family is perfect--today or at any point in history. But some families get it right a lot
more consistently than others. These families cultivate caring and understanding
relationships. They work together, play together, and laugh together. They are unified in
purpose and in their commitment to one another. Family members support and encourage
each other. Parents are dedicated to the success of their marriage and family. In essence,
these families create a loving family culture.
Other families are not so ideal. Members may neglect responsibilities, treat each other
unkindly, reject and forsake vows, and engage in physically, emotionally, sexually, or
spiritually abusive behaviors. They may be manipulative and critical. Some members may
abuse alcohol or other drugs. Family members who perpetuate these destructive
practices do so at great cost not only to themselves but to future generations as well. The
Family: A Proclamation to the World warns that "individuals who violate covenants of
chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one
day stand accountable before God."

Many people believe that those who grow up in a negative home environment are
destined to perpetuate the same patterns in their own families. To some extent, research
supports these beliefs. For example, studies show a connection between child rearing
attitudes and behaviors among parents and those of their adult children. If a parent was
divorced or less happy in his or her marriage, there is a greater tendency for children to
follow suit.
The good news is that these findings tell only half the story. Other research shows that
passing on negative family traits from generation to generation isn't a foregone conclusion.
Even if you grew up in a damaging home environment, you can choose different behaviors
than those you experienced there. You can stop the negative patterns from flowing
downstream to future generations. With education, focused effort, and help from others,
you can choose to be a transitional character.

The late Carlfred Broderick, a renowned marriage and family scholar at the University of
Southern California, coined the term transitional character and described it this way:

A transitional character is one who, in a single generation, changes the entire course of a
lineage. The changes might be for good or ill, but the most noteworthy examples are
those individuals who grow up in an abusive, emotionally destructive environment and
who somehow find a way to metabolize the poison and refuse to pass it on to their
children. They break the mold. They refute the observation that abused children become
abusive parents, that the children of alcoholics become alcoholic adults, that "the sins of
the fathers are visited upon the heads of children to the third and fourth generation." Their
contribution to humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their own lineage so that the
generations downstream will have a supportive foundation upon which to build productive
lives.

What can you do to become a transitional character in your own family? Here are
some ideas:
·        Develop a vision of yourself as a transitional character. Seeing yourself
successfully changing negative family patterns can help keep you focused on your goal to
be a transitional character rather than a simple transmitter of damaging behavior.
·        Build supportive relationships with strong adults. Building a supportive
relationship with at least one emotionally healthy adult, especially someone with a strong
family background, is an important way you can find help in becoming a transitional
character. Life-altering changes are difficult to make alone, but when you receive support
from someone else, such as spouse, grandparent, teacher, or minister, it's much easier to
interrupt abusive family patterns. This person can mentor you as you work to counteract
the natural tendency to simply repeat family patterns.

For example, one father found he had a tendency to react with anger to the demanding
cries of his toddler son. He also found himself being too physically harsh with his son. His
wife intervened, and through discussion together the husband realized he was treating his
son as his older brothers had treated him in their single-parent home. This awakening
through a supportive relationship was crucial as the father sought to become more patient
and gentle with his son, reversing the pattern modeled in his family of origin.

·        Be deliberate about making changes. Negative family patterns are difficult to
break. If you want to become a transitional character, you'll be more successful if you
have a conscious plan outlining the specific behaviors you want to change and how you
will go about fulfilling your plan. Some professionals call this process "re-scripting"-writing
down and then role playing what you will do when faced with real-life scenarios. You can
role play your new "script" with the supportive adult mentioned earlier. Rehearse the
script over and over again, and be patient with yourself as you practice the new pattern in
real-life situations. It takes time to establish new patterns of behavior.
·        Celebrate family rituals. Establishing family rituals is a good way to provide a
sense of unity and constancy to family members. Rituals can provide stability to a family
when problems come up. Rituals include regular meals together, an evening once a week
set aside for family fun, bedtime stories, and holiday traditions. To be most effective,
these rituals need to be observed even when family times are tough.
·        Create a healthy emotional distance. All of us are influenced by the people we
spend time with. If your family of origin is particularly negative, consider distancing
yourself so their impact on your own family is minimized. It's usually not necessary to
completely cut ties, but carefully evaluate the situation and keep what distance you need
to so that you don't unintentionally perpetuate harmful family behaviors.
·        Marry at a later age. An older age at marriage (early 20s and older) and higher
education contribute to a happier and more stable marriage. By waiting longer to marry,
persons from negative home environments allow themselves more time to practice and
establish healthy behavior patterns.
·        Read good books about family life. The more you know about what makes a
healthy family the better, and reading is a good way to learn. If you come from a troubled
family, you didn't see many positive behaviors in your home. You can learn healthier ways
of interacting from good books and by trying out ideas from these books in your
relationships. Respected authors have written many excellent books with valuable
information to help parents, spouses, and children. A list of some of these books is
included at the end of this article.
·        Join organizations that can help. All of us tend to become like the people we
spend time with, so it's a good idea to be around people you want to emulate. Since
volunteer organizations usually attract good people, consider volunteering. Or you might
join a group that serves your community or participate in a religious community. Some
organizations are more effective than others, so evaluate what best meets your needs.
·        Get an education. A good education teaches you to think clearly and make wise
choices. It doesn't matter what you study as long as you're using your mind and
developing your intellect. Even taking a few classes here and there from a local
community college is helpful. Many communities offer classes on marriage, parenting, and
other family issues.
·        Get additional help if needed. After doing your best to change negative family
patterns on your own, you might find yourself needing additional help. Seek out a
professional counselor recommended by others or a member of the clergy who can help
steer you toward a transformed future.

Written by Kristi Tanner, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan,
Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
Becoming a Transitional Character: Changing
Your Family Culture
from Forever Families.net
Some tips from my
own divorce, if you are
going through the
same thing.

If you are facing a
divorce, I know that you
are going through a very
emotional time in your life.
I've been there and am still
paying for it in a way that
you should not have to.

What am I referring to?

I'm referring to the fact
that even if you are an
optimist and think that you
are ready to conquer the
world but maybe over the
last ten years, you have
only been working part
time.
If you and your husband
have money put aside for
your retirement nest egg
but it is connected to his
business, please make sure
that you take half of that
with you as a part of your
divorce settlement.

If you do not, you will
likely pay for it one way
or another as you learn to
survive on your own
income.  
Please don't do the same
mistake that I did in
forcing yourself to live
on a pittance of what
should be your due.  
You deserve half of that
money just as much as
he does.

The Lord does not want
anyone to live in abuse,
regardless of what kind of
abuse it is.  

Sometimes one has to
make a decision.  Even
though divorce is very
difficult on any family, I
feel that my choosing to
break away from all forms
of abuse (both my family
of origin and my husband)
were more beneficial in
the long run for my
children.  Having a
healthy, happy mother is
much more important than
keeping an emotionally
abusive family situation
together.

My ex-husband will
always be in my prayers.

If you are in the same
situation, feel free to send
me an email at:
drscoping@gmail.com.

Devon